Can We Go Out For Dinner?

My younger daughter and I are so alike it's scary.  Everyone who looks at the two of us instantly knows we are father and daughter.  But they may or may not realize that our behaviors are near identical, too.  Over the past several years, my daughter's anxiety levels have risen tremendously, triggered early on by the tornado that rolled throughour backyard in 2011.  Combined with what appears to be a solid dose of ADHD, she can have a hard time concentrating and an even harder time keeping her cool when she doesn't get her way.  It's been a struggle to say the least.

I've, too, have had my share of traumatic life experiences including panic attacks in college, losing my dad too soon, being apart from my mom for several years, several job changes, not to mention a tornado rolling through my backyard.  And while those are stories for another day, I think it's fair to say they have left me a little anxious, too.  I don't have the same focus issues, but it's clear I have some trouble keeping my cool, especially when combating a young child who's lost her cool.  So it's no secret if you've spent any time around my family that my younger daughter and I can go at it pretty strong sometimes.  But one thing remains constant through it all...I love her more than words can ever express.  And every night, I lay in bed wondering how to make things better.  How to teach her the necessary lessons in life while balancing that with letting her just be her.

Tonight, for at least one night, I found the answer.  My wife and older daughter were off at dance class so it was just me and the young one.  Coming off three straight nights of knockdown, drag out, steel cage match, battle royals, and feeling a little lost, my daughter said to me "Can We Go Out For Dinner?".  Now on most week nights after a stressful day of work, I would have said no without hesitating.  But this night, I paused, thought about those night laying in bed thinking about how to make things better, and said yes!  I set out two parameters for her before we left:

1. You need to show me you can behave like a young lady.  You need to sit nicely and have a nice dinner.
2. We are going to take some time to talk about what's been going on and figure out how to make things better.

And off we went.  We shared one side of a booth, hugging hips.  We colored for a bit.  She read to me from the book she was assigned to read this week.  We had some bread.  We talked about our feelings.  We ate our dinner.  And we talked some more.  We even came up with a plan of attack for when she starts to get a little angry.  And I think if I can do my part, she'll do hers as well.  We came home and she went to bed without a single fuss, which on the heels of the last three nights, was a much needed reprieve.  And perhaps a great sign that if we all just stay calm and keep our heads on straight, we can make this work.  I know it's just one night, and I know it won't always work, but just having a plan is a start.

So tonight's lesson?  Food can really bring people together.  And if the plan works, I'll share it in a follow up blog post soon.  Wish us luck!